just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
