I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
