I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
