after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
