last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
