Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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