Where are you?
In a non slutty way
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
