We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
