The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
