I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
