I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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