ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
