Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
