I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
