Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
