my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
