Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
