I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
