DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
