i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
