saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
