i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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