I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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