I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
