So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
