Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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