I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
