First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
