you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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