someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
