You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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