it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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