I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
