And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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