Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
