Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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