I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
