did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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