im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
