so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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