Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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