i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
nutella sex= disaster
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
