If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
