i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
