I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...