It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
