omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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