Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
