I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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