i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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