when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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