i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
