Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
