she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
