guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
