I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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