Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
