Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
